The long and short of it
Sep. 14th, 2011 03:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rebeccmeisterI don't know about you, but when I am faced with a lot of uncertainty I am often hesitant to say or write too much in case I end up having to eat my words later. Because, you know, paper doesn't really taste very good. Or computer screens, for that matter.
Anyway. I ended up writing a little bit in the comments on my last entry about the overall situation with moving to Texas. It's complicated, of course. I suppose life gets complicated for everybody at some stage or another. The big unknowns for me amount to:
I don't know what I'm doing with my life (yeah, join the club, I know). Is it worth it to move to a state that terrifies me*, if by moving I also have a chance to work with scientists doing very exciting work? In a lot of ways, eastern Texas might as well be a foreign country for me: foreign culture, and far away from the places I call home. I won't be able to do all that much traveling, really, given that I dislike flying. It's a big leap to move that far away from things that are familiar to me. On the other hand, I can think about what would happen if I were to stay in Arizona or move somewhere else, like back up to Washington (the next-most-likely place for me to go, given that my family's there). As my friend![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
trifold_flame put it, this is a point where academics start to make decisions that limit the number of available future avenues. Postdocs leave way more options open than teaching positions. But I have to revisit some "whatifs": if I ended up as a full-time instructor somewhere instead, and let go of my development as a researcher, would I like it? Would I be satisfied in the long term?
I honestly feel like, in some respects, Arizona has been terrible for my intellectual development. I don't know if it's that graduate school just makes me feel more stupid, or if it's that I wind up spending too much time trying to just take care of my life that I don't have or make time to read enough, or read the right things. I'd almost blame the good weather. I could also attribute it to the fact that I spend a good portion of my time around non-academics, even if I'm not always directly associating with them (I'm thinking of overhearing inane conversations in coffeeshops, here).
I also just don't know what will happen betweenscrottie and myself. I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I know he's equally or even more terrified of Texas than I am. His reasons are a bit different, but are related to a fear of social isolation and also the fact that there are a lot of places where he cannot physically live due to his sensitivity to organophosphate pesticides. At some point, you should spend a bit of time browsing through the modes of action of most commonly used insecticides. Insects aren't magically different from other animals, you know, and so things designed to kill insects generally have negative side-effects for other animals, including ourselves. Given those two huge caveats, it's all too easy for me to imagine worst-case scenarios that leave me in Texas, by myself. And that sends me back to thinking about the last time I felt really alone, when I was sick with mono and living by myself in the garage on Maple Ave. It's also putting me in one of those places where I can sympathize with the extremes that people (that I) will go to, to avoid getting hurt. There are times when it's hard to keep at it, not knowing what will happen or where resentment might be lurking.
On top of those unknowns, I have to say that I have a hard time (from a philosophical standpoint) asking another person to give up important aspects of his or her lifestyle and ideals so I can pursue my interests. I have had conversations with other couples where it's clear that one person has a strong desire to relocate and the other person honestly doesn't mind. But when I start to wonder about how that relates to traditional gender roles and my feelings about women as leaders...It is far from a simple matter. Part of me is very hardheaded and wants to put my development as a leader first and foremost; women have a lot to offer the world and think and lead differently. I have to speak from what I know: I know that many of the important and inspirational leaders and mentors in my life have been women who have faced far greater challenges than I have faced, and I feel compelled to give back as well. That cannot happen from staying in place and growing complacent. I must move. But then again, is it worth it to give up the life that I've built here, so far? Is it worth it to go through the violent process of tearing up roots to relocate (I perceive moving as a violent/destructive act)? A lot of the things that have brought me life satisfaction and happiness in Arizona have come from getting to know this place in its seasons and peculiarities. When it comes to making personal decisions, of course there's no right answer. I still can't help asking the questions.
--
*Part of me is tempted to "try out" being a Republican for a year, investigative-journalist style. I might be too scared to do so, though...Can you imagine me showing up to caucuses, adding tremendous amounts of confusion? No, there's no way I could pull it off.
Anyway. I ended up writing a little bit in the comments on my last entry about the overall situation with moving to Texas. It's complicated, of course. I suppose life gets complicated for everybody at some stage or another. The big unknowns for me amount to:
I don't know what I'm doing with my life (yeah, join the club, I know). Is it worth it to move to a state that terrifies me*, if by moving I also have a chance to work with scientists doing very exciting work? In a lot of ways, eastern Texas might as well be a foreign country for me: foreign culture, and far away from the places I call home. I won't be able to do all that much traveling, really, given that I dislike flying. It's a big leap to move that far away from things that are familiar to me. On the other hand, I can think about what would happen if I were to stay in Arizona or move somewhere else, like back up to Washington (the next-most-likely place for me to go, given that my family's there). As my friend
trifold_flame put it, this is a point where academics start to make decisions that limit the number of available future avenues. Postdocs leave way more options open than teaching positions. But I have to revisit some "whatifs": if I ended up as a full-time instructor somewhere instead, and let go of my development as a researcher, would I like it? Would I be satisfied in the long term? I honestly feel like, in some respects, Arizona has been terrible for my intellectual development. I don't know if it's that graduate school just makes me feel more stupid, or if it's that I wind up spending too much time trying to just take care of my life that I don't have or make time to read enough, or read the right things. I'd almost blame the good weather. I could also attribute it to the fact that I spend a good portion of my time around non-academics, even if I'm not always directly associating with them (I'm thinking of overhearing inane conversations in coffeeshops, here).
I also just don't know what will happen between
scrottie and myself. I don't want to put words in his mouth, but I know he's equally or even more terrified of Texas than I am. His reasons are a bit different, but are related to a fear of social isolation and also the fact that there are a lot of places where he cannot physically live due to his sensitivity to organophosphate pesticides. At some point, you should spend a bit of time browsing through the modes of action of most commonly used insecticides. Insects aren't magically different from other animals, you know, and so things designed to kill insects generally have negative side-effects for other animals, including ourselves. Given those two huge caveats, it's all too easy for me to imagine worst-case scenarios that leave me in Texas, by myself. And that sends me back to thinking about the last time I felt really alone, when I was sick with mono and living by myself in the garage on Maple Ave. It's also putting me in one of those places where I can sympathize with the extremes that people (that I) will go to, to avoid getting hurt. There are times when it's hard to keep at it, not knowing what will happen or where resentment might be lurking.On top of those unknowns, I have to say that I have a hard time (from a philosophical standpoint) asking another person to give up important aspects of his or her lifestyle and ideals so I can pursue my interests. I have had conversations with other couples where it's clear that one person has a strong desire to relocate and the other person honestly doesn't mind. But when I start to wonder about how that relates to traditional gender roles and my feelings about women as leaders...It is far from a simple matter. Part of me is very hardheaded and wants to put my development as a leader first and foremost; women have a lot to offer the world and think and lead differently. I have to speak from what I know: I know that many of the important and inspirational leaders and mentors in my life have been women who have faced far greater challenges than I have faced, and I feel compelled to give back as well. That cannot happen from staying in place and growing complacent. I must move. But then again, is it worth it to give up the life that I've built here, so far? Is it worth it to go through the violent process of tearing up roots to relocate (I perceive moving as a violent/destructive act)? A lot of the things that have brought me life satisfaction and happiness in Arizona have come from getting to know this place in its seasons and peculiarities. When it comes to making personal decisions, of course there's no right answer. I still can't help asking the questions.
--
*Part of me is tempted to "try out" being a Republican for a year, investigative-journalist style. I might be too scared to do so, though...Can you imagine me showing up to caucuses, adding tremendous amounts of confusion? No, there's no way I could pull it off.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 03:32 am (UTC)OMG please dear god do NOT try to be a republican for a year. (espcially an election year) Oh Sweet jesus... That is too much crazy.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-15 05:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-16 12:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-16 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-16 10:29 pm (UTC)And I definitely spend time thinking about what has happened with a number of different people in my life, including you, the other Rebecca, and many other women, some of whom have pursued careers and some of whom have switched gears to focus on other aspects of their lives.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-16 10:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-09-16 10:54 pm (UTC)And yes, you're right, postdoc=temporary. I am reminding myself of that frequently. The difference in philosophy between myself and my brother stems more from where/how we do our research. He has traveled extensively over the past two years to chase after hummingbirds all over central and south America. My feeling is, I'd prefer to study an organism in its place without having to jet-set all over the globe. I do contradict myself, there, because I have flown to a number of different places over the past eight years. But that's mostly what I mean.
A lot of academic biologists fly all over the place, to different study sites and to professional meetings. I am hoping that that won't be so necessary for me.
no subject
Date: 2011-09-16 09:15 am (UTC)You're struggling with things that I think a lot of women at our age and level of eduction struggle with. There is no right or wrong answer. I do feel, personally, that there are powerful ways to grow, give, and lead while staying in once place for a long period of time. Whether that is what your thoughts will lead you to, I don't know.
Texas
Date: 2011-09-16 08:55 pm (UTC)do