rebeccmeister | My thoughts circle like a snake biting its own tail

Alternate title: On Rebecca and Romantic Relationships

I don't exactly know where this starts and ends.

I suppose that if relationships, romantic and otherwise, were a simple matter we wouldn't be compelled to overanalyze them and write about them all of the time. Whole genres would disappear. I always end up feeling like I split my feelings into two camps, a dry, analytical camp, and a helplessly romantic one over which I have little control, whether it's about attraction or ambivalence (there it is, a control freak indeed).

What I really mean to say, either in context or completely out of context, is that what most strongly attracts me to people, men mostly, are a certain degree of inscrutability and the ability to make things. I've seen this happen to myself over and over again, and it annoys me somewhat because inscrutability feeds into obsessiveness and away from any possibility of establishing a real connection. It's also quite time-consuming to get into and out of--we're talking years spent in some useless dream-state. It's hard to be attracted to disconnectedness and dissonance. Perhaps at some time I will be able to find utility in this aspect of my nature. Meanwhile, I'll alternate between pessimistically doubting that I'll ever find who I'm looking for (even when I deny I'm looking), and pragmatically deciding that it isn't worth worrying about because there's much more to life than that.