rebeccmeister | Talking about things without really talking about things

Over the past week or so I have started trying to pay attention to what people really mean when they say something. My attention shift is mostly fueled by frustration over certain conversations that I don't want to have and the pseudo-conversations that replace them instead (frankly, I'd prefer silence). My interest in meaning also sort of follows

popcultureicon's amusement over how much British people say "Thank you" (and thank you, pci, for pointing that out. I win. For now.).

Similarly, we Americans are fond of asking each other, "How are you?" as a form of introduction, not as a way of really finding out how the other is doing.

I'm always amused when I overhear conversations that start out with the "Hi, how are you?" "Fine, and you?" and then about a minute later, the first person asks again, "So how are you?" and the second person says something like, "Well, my dog died and I'm really depressed and work is stressing me out." At that point the first person is listening more carefully and is ready to respond to an actual answer. I guess people bother with the first answer to begin with because at that point they don't really know how much of a conversation they are going to be sucked into. It's the noncommital response.

That ritualized first response is so automatic that sometimes, when I'm really not fine, I have to stop and think, "Do they want the easy, socially graceful reply or do they really care to hear about how I'm doing?" Or what about times when the answer is complicated? For example, when on one level I'm doing quite well thank you but on another level I'm not, I will usually default to the polite, short answer unless I trust the questioner and believe that they actually want to know. If I say, "It's complicated," that invites questioning. So it always takes an extra moment of thought to decide which answer is the most appropriate one.

I think I'm reaching a point where I am losing patience for superficial conversations. Someone at some point noted that if you really think about what you are going to say, people will really listen to your answers. But I'm still trying to clarify how I should respond to remain polite without having to do too many mental gymnastics.