In the Cauldron

[rebeccmeister]

These days, I have the following on my plate:

-Postdoc proposal due next Monday. A (mercifully) fairly short application. I don't think my chances are particularly good; the last successful candidates look highly "groomed" for the position. Plus, I don't think I've nailed the question of, "How do I turn myself and my research program into an attractive woman-scientist narrative?" I know women who have. It's not always easy to do, especially when one's research program jumps around a bit and isn't something super-sexy, like birds. It's reminding me of the stupid point during senior year of college when I thought it might be a good idea to apply for a Rhodes scholarship. Actually, much of this year reminds me of that year. Too much stress and flailing about over what the future will hold, and applying for all sorts of things, many of which are unrealistic. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, though, because on the flipside women often get told that they don't apply for enough things. And if I don't apply for things, I can't get things. Anyway. That's that thought process. Easily depressing.

-Respirometry manuscript. Here, too, I'm at that point where the major question is, "How do I clearly articulate why this experiment is groundbreaking and exciting?" Because when I think about it, the experiment provides a good, insightful perspective. It's a stage of narrative construction that I still struggle with.

-"Short-term experiment" This one is a meaty paper. Just not enough hours in the day to work on it.

-The next leafcutter paper. Whenever I think about it, I get excited about this one. I keep getting stuck in data analysis doldrums, but I really need to get this paper submitted and published. The other day, I discovered that my first dissertation chapter has been cited, which is exciting because it means people are interested in it and are reading it. Once I get the next leafcutter paper out, I'll be in a much better position to point to my accomplishments and say, "Hire me/give me money/etc."

Lots of writing. With practice, I hope I can push through the roadblocks more effectively. I know that I know a lot and have a number of valuable skills, but I still wind up rocking back occasionally, wondering about my merit and the folly of trying to make an academic career work, feeling inadequate and stupid about the things I don't know or don't do well.

And it's hard, when I can remember all-too-vividly that fall semester when I had to really live on the edge, and the whole experience of moving out here.

Comments

Transition

[(Anonymous)]

Transition to a next thing IS a very very tricky time, as in your senior year, and the move to Texas. Your situation is sort of like the 9th month of a pregnancy: discomfort presses one to want to get on with the birth... You're at the mercy of the options available and have my permission to stress and flail. (Not that my permission is needed.) I encourage the stance that somebody needs YOU, and by applying unrealistically to something, "they" might find you!! There IS a way! Go girl, go!!!
~mom

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

If the leafcutter paper gets published somewhere accessible I'd like to read it.

[rebeccmeister.livejournal.com]

I'll try to remember! I can also send you a copy via e-mail. It still has a ways to go...

[rebeccmeister.livejournal.com]

I'm going to send you an e-mail now. You'll recognize it when you see it. That way, this message can be deleted, too.