Reimagining Solitude
Jan. 12th, 2013 09:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rebeccmeisterOn days like today, after I've spent an afternoon by myself working on a multitude of piddly little tasks around the house, I often wind up feeling anxious and lonely by the time evening rolls around. I'd say on this occasion it was triggered to some extent by reading a piece called What 10 things should you do every day to improve your life?, which puts emphasis on the benefits of spending time with friends and family. I have to remind myself - I *did* get to spend time with friends, this morning, on a bike ride. Wonderful time, in fact.
So then, where does this feeling come from, and what does it mean?
Part of it I'd label as missing S while he's in Arizona and off on a long bike ride and hanging out with friends and cooking and sharing meals with them, while I return to the more solitary life in Texas of mostly cooking and eating by myself, hanging out some with friends, but not as much as in Arizona. So some of it is continuation of a sense of envy regarding my former social life in Arizona (and I think my mother is right to describe this kind of life change as something that requires grieving). I can recall agonizingly similar feelings over that one weekend when I sat in the conference room in ISTB-1, sitting and trying to think and work on my dissertation, while S and the gang rode in the Grand Canyon 600k; if those thoughts hadn't distracted me, I wonder if I could have gotten more work, or better work, done. There are still a lot of complicated emotions surrounding that period of my life; I suppose I should be patient with myself when I find I am mulling over that point and feeling less than happy.
Part of this feeling stems from "stuff frustration." I have to wonder, would I be spending so much time trying to think about and sort out so many piddly little things, if I didn't have so many piddly little things to deal with? What's a good balance to aim for, between time spent with stuff and time spent with people? Paring down is nice, but then, what about art, and artwork? How do I manage my urge to create, and my List of Things to Acquire? These days, the urge to create often manifests as a feeling of missing ceramics in Arizona, because ceramics there was such a well-tuned social experience built into my routine. Meanwhile, I'm often pleased when I discover that I can actually cross out an item on the List of Things to Acquire, because I no longer want to acquire a thing.
A few things seem useful to balance these feelings out. The first is the phrase, "Realize you're not missing out." As I mentioned recently. After all, I made headway on a number of personal projects today. That's great!
The second, at the moment, is this piece on solitude. I don't know about you, but solitary time *is* important for me. And perhaps the reason I feel anxious and lonely is because I need to spend time listening to myself.
The whole topic of stuff management and creative expression is more challenging for me to work out, and I don't think the answer is ever going to be simple.
So then, where does this feeling come from, and what does it mean?
Part of it I'd label as missing S while he's in Arizona and off on a long bike ride and hanging out with friends and cooking and sharing meals with them, while I return to the more solitary life in Texas of mostly cooking and eating by myself, hanging out some with friends, but not as much as in Arizona. So some of it is continuation of a sense of envy regarding my former social life in Arizona (and I think my mother is right to describe this kind of life change as something that requires grieving). I can recall agonizingly similar feelings over that one weekend when I sat in the conference room in ISTB-1, sitting and trying to think and work on my dissertation, while S and the gang rode in the Grand Canyon 600k; if those thoughts hadn't distracted me, I wonder if I could have gotten more work, or better work, done. There are still a lot of complicated emotions surrounding that period of my life; I suppose I should be patient with myself when I find I am mulling over that point and feeling less than happy.
Part of this feeling stems from "stuff frustration." I have to wonder, would I be spending so much time trying to think about and sort out so many piddly little things, if I didn't have so many piddly little things to deal with? What's a good balance to aim for, between time spent with stuff and time spent with people? Paring down is nice, but then, what about art, and artwork? How do I manage my urge to create, and my List of Things to Acquire? These days, the urge to create often manifests as a feeling of missing ceramics in Arizona, because ceramics there was such a well-tuned social experience built into my routine. Meanwhile, I'm often pleased when I discover that I can actually cross out an item on the List of Things to Acquire, because I no longer want to acquire a thing.
A few things seem useful to balance these feelings out. The first is the phrase, "Realize you're not missing out." As I mentioned recently. After all, I made headway on a number of personal projects today. That's great!
The second, at the moment, is this piece on solitude. I don't know about you, but solitary time *is* important for me. And perhaps the reason I feel anxious and lonely is because I need to spend time listening to myself.
The whole topic of stuff management and creative expression is more challenging for me to work out, and I don't think the answer is ever going to be simple.
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I
Date: 2013-01-13 04:19 am (UTC)Re: I
Date: 2013-01-13 04:12 pm (UTC)If I could walk to a neighborhood coffeeshop during evenings when I have these feelings, I might not feel this way to the same extent. And perhaps I just need to get over the activation energy required to ride my bicycle to a coffeeshop in downtown Bryan.
Re: I
Date: 2013-01-13 05:45 pm (UTC)Mmmmmm
Date: 2013-01-13 05:40 am (UTC)xo
~mom