The Big Questions
Mar. 4th, 2008 12:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rebeccmeisterThere's a big question that lurks behind all of my dissertation-proposal whining. That question is, what do I want to make of my life?
Obviously, I'm inclined to believe that the whole dissertating process is contributing to the answer of that question. Some days, I do believe, other days, I'm more difficult to convince. More often than not, I'm drawn back to asking the more general questions about the future: what next? I wonder, "where next?" quite a bit as well.
Do I stay in Arizona?
If you'd asked me three years ago, I probably would have replied in the negative. Now, I'm not quite so sure and am more inclined to agree with Wendell Berry about the importance of existing in one place and watching the world change around me for a longer spell. I don't feel so restless as I used to feel. Certainly I still miss the Northwest and my connections to the place are undeniable, but I can't live with an "anywhere-but-here" attitude. It's unjust. This place has affected me; affects me.
I think about these questions a lot as I watch other people swirl around, especially those in academic circles where the expectation seems to be transience. I find the transience kind of violent, actually, because it can mean not really having to come to grips with a place or with the people of that place. "Oh well, I'm only living in the desert for a few years so I won't learn about where water comes from or what plants grow here or how many people the desert can sustain or how to cope with the summer heat."
I've tried a hundred thousand different approaches to answering the biggest question: sneak attacks, ignoring it, confronting it head-on, contrived answers, non-answers, lying in bed and letting my thoughts drift. But I still don't know any more than you do, except that it's a magical world.
Obviously, I'm inclined to believe that the whole dissertating process is contributing to the answer of that question. Some days, I do believe, other days, I'm more difficult to convince. More often than not, I'm drawn back to asking the more general questions about the future: what next? I wonder, "where next?" quite a bit as well.
Do I stay in Arizona?
If you'd asked me three years ago, I probably would have replied in the negative. Now, I'm not quite so sure and am more inclined to agree with Wendell Berry about the importance of existing in one place and watching the world change around me for a longer spell. I don't feel so restless as I used to feel. Certainly I still miss the Northwest and my connections to the place are undeniable, but I can't live with an "anywhere-but-here" attitude. It's unjust. This place has affected me; affects me.
I think about these questions a lot as I watch other people swirl around, especially those in academic circles where the expectation seems to be transience. I find the transience kind of violent, actually, because it can mean not really having to come to grips with a place or with the people of that place. "Oh well, I'm only living in the desert for a few years so I won't learn about where water comes from or what plants grow here or how many people the desert can sustain or how to cope with the summer heat."
I've tried a hundred thousand different approaches to answering the biggest question: sneak attacks, ignoring it, confronting it head-on, contrived answers, non-answers, lying in bed and letting my thoughts drift. But I still don't know any more than you do, except that it's a magical world.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-04 08:55 pm (UTC)I like this: "but I can't live with an "anywhere-but-here" attitude. It's unjust. This place has affected me; affects me..."
All I've figured out is that life brings all sorts of surprises, both in where we end up, and where we stay.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 02:23 am (UTC)