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Train epiphany
Jun. 15th, 2023 05:37 pmThis was not an epiphany about trains. An epiphany while on the train.
A recurring question for me for a long time has always been some variant of: what should I do with my life? or, What am I doing with my life?!
On the train, I had a thought about an alternate question: What to make of this life?
I think it was the book Women Don't Ask that pointed out to me that ambition has a gendered component. Women are frequently socially punished for expressing an identical ambition as their male counterparts; here's just one example of how this manifests: https://www.gendereconomy.org/your-ambition-is-showing/
There are a lot of sides to this notion of ambition. The thing is, for me personally, I can't say I'm driven by some motivation to be the number one insect physiologist, or even a famous insect physiologist. In fact, like many people, I have ongoing questions about the extent to which I even want to be defined by my professional activities, as compared to everything else that I do. This is all something of a counterpoint to how my older brother expresses who he is and what he does.
I still can't say that I'm 100% comfortable with the decision to move to the northeastern U.S. There were a whole lot of factors that went into that decision, including the fact that academic jobs are few and far in-between. This academic job is far from a prestige position; at the same time, I know I'm in a place where I have the potential to have a positive influence on the lives of others. My lifelong pattern has been one of arriving to a context, taking stock, and working to make that context better.
I do want to continue to get to know this part of the country better. I would also like to try and make this place better in the ways that I can. For instance, making efforts to get more people out on the Hudson River so more people care about the river and help to care for it.
I have a strong aesthetic drive to create things, but not art, if utility is part of what distinguishes art from everything else. (though I should note this is a cultural definition)
In any case, I'm still turning all of this over in my head.
A recurring question for me for a long time has always been some variant of: what should I do with my life? or, What am I doing with my life?!
On the train, I had a thought about an alternate question: What to make of this life?
I think it was the book Women Don't Ask that pointed out to me that ambition has a gendered component. Women are frequently socially punished for expressing an identical ambition as their male counterparts; here's just one example of how this manifests: https://www.gendereconomy.org/your-ambition-is-showing/
There are a lot of sides to this notion of ambition. The thing is, for me personally, I can't say I'm driven by some motivation to be the number one insect physiologist, or even a famous insect physiologist. In fact, like many people, I have ongoing questions about the extent to which I even want to be defined by my professional activities, as compared to everything else that I do. This is all something of a counterpoint to how my older brother expresses who he is and what he does.
I still can't say that I'm 100% comfortable with the decision to move to the northeastern U.S. There were a whole lot of factors that went into that decision, including the fact that academic jobs are few and far in-between. This academic job is far from a prestige position; at the same time, I know I'm in a place where I have the potential to have a positive influence on the lives of others. My lifelong pattern has been one of arriving to a context, taking stock, and working to make that context better.
I do want to continue to get to know this part of the country better. I would also like to try and make this place better in the ways that I can. For instance, making efforts to get more people out on the Hudson River so more people care about the river and help to care for it.
I have a strong aesthetic drive to create things, but not art, if utility is part of what distinguishes art from everything else. (though I should note this is a cultural definition)
In any case, I'm still turning all of this over in my head.
