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Reassurances
Sep. 12th, 2013 11:49 amI'm feeling like I'm finally reaching a point in this postdoc career where I've been at it for long enough to look back and forward and have some perspective.
Let's just begin by saying it started out pretty rough for me; I've written about a lot of that previously, and that covers a good portion of my first year as a postdoc. I have no idea if this is an ordinary experience for first-year postdocs, but that's how it was for me. Actually, some of the difficulties continued beyond that first year. After I came back from the International Congress of Entomology, which made me feel like a junior-junior scientist all over again (but 'twas still a great experience), I had that terrible and crazy fall where I was coaching and also running the Experiment from Hell. It wasn't the worst imaginable experiment from hell, really, but it was a tremendous amount of work and took a toll until it wrapped up this past January. No, it isn't long hours working at the sausage-making factory, but that always has to be balanced against the personal responsibility of constantly asking, "Am I getting enough done? How can I get more done? What should I be getting done?"
Now, things are humming along pretty well. I'm actually getting close to realizing my main postdoc goal, which is to manage the stream of data-in against the stream of data-out (publications). That means: I'm collecting data and running experiments, but I'm also well underway with writing manuscripts and getting papers published. My leafcutter work is starting to get published, too, so I'm going to start getting noticed as a leafcutter biologist doing some interesting and creative things (I hope; the most interesting and creative portions still need massaging before they're out in public, and I need to figure out how to keep this work going without having to pay too much out-of-pocket). I've been writing a decent number of manuscript reviews, which makes me feel good as someone contributing back to science. That also helps with getting my name out favorably, especially as I can get reviews done swiftly and ahead of deadlines, and it gives me a chance to learn more about my research field.
When it comes to this whole job-application business, I have some conflicting emotions, but I am also not worrying especially much (aside from the insomniac moments where I wake up thinking about my research statement, teaching statement, CV and cover letter; but those are productive moments, anyway). There are points where I feel like I have a lot of weaknesses, but at the same time, if I'm not yet fully competitive, I also have this sense that there will be ways to stay in the game and reach the point where I *am* fully competitive. Plus, I'm spending my energy listening to people who are helpful and supportive. I also have this feeling that, if the perfect job doesn't appear this year, well, that's okay, I'll figure out some way to make it through to next year or to whatever time when it manifests itself. Also, I'm okay with this while thinking that I may have to be the one making the job manifest somewhere, somehow.
Will I ever wind up settling down somewhere? Will I ever wind up having children? I'm starting to think the answers to those questions are in the same place as the answer to the question, What should I be when I grow up? Which is to say, I've never really found an answer; instead, here I am, and the main thing that has changed is the urgency/importance of the question, not the finding of an answer.
Let's just begin by saying it started out pretty rough for me; I've written about a lot of that previously, and that covers a good portion of my first year as a postdoc. I have no idea if this is an ordinary experience for first-year postdocs, but that's how it was for me. Actually, some of the difficulties continued beyond that first year. After I came back from the International Congress of Entomology, which made me feel like a junior-junior scientist all over again (but 'twas still a great experience), I had that terrible and crazy fall where I was coaching and also running the Experiment from Hell. It wasn't the worst imaginable experiment from hell, really, but it was a tremendous amount of work and took a toll until it wrapped up this past January. No, it isn't long hours working at the sausage-making factory, but that always has to be balanced against the personal responsibility of constantly asking, "Am I getting enough done? How can I get more done? What should I be getting done?"
Now, things are humming along pretty well. I'm actually getting close to realizing my main postdoc goal, which is to manage the stream of data-in against the stream of data-out (publications). That means: I'm collecting data and running experiments, but I'm also well underway with writing manuscripts and getting papers published. My leafcutter work is starting to get published, too, so I'm going to start getting noticed as a leafcutter biologist doing some interesting and creative things (I hope; the most interesting and creative portions still need massaging before they're out in public, and I need to figure out how to keep this work going without having to pay too much out-of-pocket). I've been writing a decent number of manuscript reviews, which makes me feel good as someone contributing back to science. That also helps with getting my name out favorably, especially as I can get reviews done swiftly and ahead of deadlines, and it gives me a chance to learn more about my research field.
When it comes to this whole job-application business, I have some conflicting emotions, but I am also not worrying especially much (aside from the insomniac moments where I wake up thinking about my research statement, teaching statement, CV and cover letter; but those are productive moments, anyway). There are points where I feel like I have a lot of weaknesses, but at the same time, if I'm not yet fully competitive, I also have this sense that there will be ways to stay in the game and reach the point where I *am* fully competitive. Plus, I'm spending my energy listening to people who are helpful and supportive. I also have this feeling that, if the perfect job doesn't appear this year, well, that's okay, I'll figure out some way to make it through to next year or to whatever time when it manifests itself. Also, I'm okay with this while thinking that I may have to be the one making the job manifest somewhere, somehow.
Will I ever wind up settling down somewhere? Will I ever wind up having children? I'm starting to think the answers to those questions are in the same place as the answer to the question, What should I be when I grow up? Which is to say, I've never really found an answer; instead, here I am, and the main thing that has changed is the urgency/importance of the question, not the finding of an answer.
