rebeccmeister: (Iheartcoffee)
rebeccmeister ([personal profile] rebeccmeister) wrote2007-06-28 08:54 am
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Heritage; the reflective life

I have been thinking about my heritage quite a bit recently, inspired by conversations with both [livejournal.com profile] figment80 and J, both of whom seem to be struggling to come to terms with the ideals and lifestyles they have inherited from their parents. [livejournal.com profile] figment80 pointed out that we are all very lucky to be in situations where we have the time and space to reflect on our upbringings, because we are in school and aren't trying to reflect and reinvent on top of having kids and raising families, activities that leave little space for thinking.

Probably the most interesting piece of this has do to with figuring out what we each appreciate from how we were raised, versus what things we seek to do differently. My impression from my parents is that my father is a very different person from his parents, and that when he was around my age he had a series of revelatory experiences that strongly shaped his lifestyle to be distinctly different from the lifestyle he grew up with. Oh, there are still many hints of his upbringing, but I think he, too, had to sit down and consider what things to hold on to, and what things to change. I believe that [livejournal.com profile] figment80 is also going through a sorting, an inventory, and one that is made quite challenging by the pace of her family's interactions and situations. Likewise, J talks a lot about how his family interacts (or fails to interact), and how he is thus trying to deal with his relationship with his family. Half of the time, the small, simple things that I do are novel revelations to him--gardening, for example.

Really, the most amazing aspect of all of this is that as I get older, I've come to appreciate so many more of the aspects of the way I was raised by my parents, and rather than trying to change many of those aspects, I instead get to learn to celebrate them. As a simple example, I grew up in a household without (much) television (we did have a TV with the bunny-ears broken off that got 1 or 2 channels, but we were discouraged from watching it). As a kid, it was one of the worst possible forms of deprivation--oh how we suffered! We had to read books instead, or go outside and play in the yard. The horrors! Whenever acquaintances would have conversations about the lives of popular TV characters (which is way more often than you think, and very boring for the uninformed), I would be completely and unhappily left out of the loop--I never knew that line from the Simpsons or that episode of Friends. But now that I live by myself again, without a TV, I don't miss it a single bit. There are so many other things to see and do, and I'd rather read a book or pet my cat or have a conversation than sit in front of a glowing box and have my life hijacked by its flashing lights and sounds.

This is the greatest gift of all that my parents have given to me--a heritage that feels right and that I want to celebrate and share with others. My friends' struggles reveal to me all the more strongly what an incredible gift this is. I just hope that with the strength of living a life that feels authentic and right I can also continue to support them in finding the life that is right for them as well.

[identity profile] faisdodo.livejournal.com 2007-06-29 01:31 am (UTC)(link)
i didn't grow up with much TV, either. i didn't really start watching TV a lot until college, when i had a lot of time in my apartment and nothing to do. i still prefer reading, though.

i wish my family was more open-minded, i am just recently totally independent and settling my life in its track... but i keep half half of it secret from them. one side effect of this is that i talk their ear off about the most mundane, stupid stuff because i can't tell them what i'm -really- excited about ("rob moved in!" "i'm at 9 hours on my tattoo!") i must come off as a total airhead.

Heritage

(Anonymous) 2007-06-29 04:45 am (UTC)(link)
I'm blessed by your sharing. In raising you, I got an new (to me) idea that differed from the way I was raised. The idea was that the goal of being a parent is to "empower" you to be your most authentic self, rather than to control you. I lacked skills for this and had to rely on many others to help. Over the years I've been learning to be empowered myself. In work with mothers and children I learn much: wonderful models of ways of engaging to really help a child thrive. And the reverse, how "control" isn't helpful. I wish I knew then what I know now, but I guess the best anyone can do is to "go with what you've got" at the time.
Mom